Recently the Lord has been showing me how the gift of discernment affects our relationships. Here are some examples from real people – can you relate to any of these?

Whenever I’m around my mother, she drives me nuts! It’s not just what she says, it’s how she says it. I can’t explain it. Like if anyone else said those words, I could ignore it as rude or just someone else’s opinion but when she says it, I feel like I never measure up. Like there’s something fundamentally wrong with me. How can I find a way to enjoy being with her?

My aunt is Debbie Downer. If I say, “What a beautiful day it is!” She will reply, “Look at those clouds over there – looks like a storm is coming.” If I say, “I’m so glad the sun is shining today after all that rain we had this week.” She will say, “Now it’s too hot and humid!” How can I handle this constant negativity? I want to love my aunt but she has this cloud of energy around her that sucks the life out of me whenever I’m around her. I hate to admit it but sometimes I avoid her because I am so weary of the way I feel when we talk.

I have found that in some people’s presence I just can’t bear to be near them, they make me squirm inside and I start to get negative thoughts. I usually try to avoid those people, but one of them is a relative and I cannot avoid them entirely. What can I do?

My discernment has gotten a lot “louder” lately. I feel like I keep avoiding people and places because I don’t like how they make me feel, which shouldn’t happen because I am a child of God – I’m an overcomer. Why do I feel so broken?

When I talk to my husband, I can tell when he’s not really listening with his heart. He’s looking at me, but I can feel that he’s not really there. It’s really starting to affect our relationship. How do I explain this to him? Will it make any difference if I do?

My best friend and I are having a hard time finding somewhere to hang out that feels “safe”. Ever since we started getting closer to God and praying together more, I feel things and she sees things wherever we go – I mean, like things in the spiritual realm. We used to hang out at our favorite bookstore in the coffee shop area, but there’s too many weird things there now. Maybe it was always there and we are just now becoming aware of it. Bars are even worse! Restaurants are tolerable but if they are busy, we can’t stay there for long. Why is it so hard to just find a peaceful place to talk?

I can’t sleep at night. I know there is something going on with my older teenage son. I have a feeling he’s hanging around the wrong people again and I’m afraid he’s going to get into drugs. I asked him about it, but he denies it. But I just KNOW something is wrong. I can feel it but I don’t know how to put it into words. I feel so helpless to help him. What can I do?

Discernment is a tough gift to have when it comes to relationships. We can see right through people – we know what they often don’t know about themselves. We can feel their hidden pain – we know when the smile is fake. We hear the undercurrent behind their words – whether it’s good or bad. We can tell when someone is being honest and authentic. Or when they are lying.

What creates the challenge in most of our relationships is when what the person is saying or doing does not line up with what we are sensing. They are saying one thing, but our discernment is screaming that something else is really being said. They are doing something that looks normal on the outside, but inside we are squirming and trying to figure out why.

The difference is the Light. Discernment is like a flashlight – it reveals things that are hidden to our natural sight. Discernment lights up areas that are dark. The problem is most people are hiding from the truth. We see what they are in denial of – either good or bad. We can’t unsee it – it’s there and if you talk about it, they will tell you that you are mistaken or crazy. No, you’re not crazy – they just can’t see it (most of the time) because it is hidden. Either they chose to deny it and hid it from themselves, or they are not yet aware of it.

I remember I had a very prophetic friend and he told me things he saw about me and I had no idea what he was talking about! He would get frustrated with me because I just couldn’t relate. But then many years later, the Lord showed me what he saw and it was accurate. Why couldn’t I see if when he first pointed it out? I don’t know. I’m guessing it wasn’t time yet or maybe I wasn’t ready. (I was not consciously aware of hiding it from myself.)

This illustrates something that’s key with this gift – knowing what to do with what you perceive (see, hear, know, etc.). I think most of the time, it is for us to pray for the person. Telling them is not necessary unless you feel a specific prompting to do so. The other time you can say something is if they ask for help. Other than that, it’s pointless to say anything.

It is not easy to walk in the light and see (or feel or know) what we do. It is part of the “fellowship of His sufferings”, I believe. Can you imagine what Jesus sensed when he was on the earth? Many times in the gospels it says that Jesus knew their thoughts or knew their intentions (Matthew 9:4, Luke 5:22, John 2:24).

So how do we navigate the challenging waters of trying to have a relationship when we know too much? By the grace of God.

Let me say that it’s not YOU that is the problem. It’s not even the gift that is the problem. And it’s not your person that is the problem. The problem is the problem. There is darkness in the world. Discernment reveals that it’s there. We get to decide how to respond to that light. And learn how to love in the midst of it.

Oftentimes it can help us get free too – we might have agreement with the same thing and that’s why it bothers us SO much. For instance, when I used to have a lot of anxiety in my heart, whenever I was around an anxious person, it made my anxiety much worse. The more I worked on my own internal state and learned how to be free of fear, the less other people’s anxiety could affect me. (This is what helped me – see link below. )

The Lord showed me something the other night. We are made in His image and His image is Love. Whenever someone is resistant to God’s love, we feel it. Even if they don’t say or do anything to show this resistance, we feel it. It’s like a low hum in the background. It feels like rejection, if you pay attention to it. And it can wear you down and make you feel unwanted or emotionally drained.

You might be fine around some people and yet being around those closest to you, your friends or family, it affects you.

So say a prayer for them. Stand in agreement with the truth God is showing you through the gift of discernment. Are you seeing darkness or resistance to God’s Love? Proclaim His love will conquer all. That they are never too far away from His love. Don’t take it personally – let the Light do it’s work in your own heart.

And remember Love covers a multitude of sins. Forgive them for they do not know what they are doing (Luke 23:34). Give the burden to the Lord. Ask Him to intervene and then let it go. It’s not your responsibility to carry them or heal them.

Just be the Light and Love that you were created to be. That’s all. Just shine the Light of Love by being who you are!

Related posts:

• Feeling in the Spirit – What Do I Do With It?
• Discerning of Spirits, Gift of Discernment
• Overcoming Fear (& Anxiety)